Finding Help to Help Myself

Today, I went to the Veteran Affairs hospital to schedule appointments and other services.
I was supposed to go to an appointment way back a few months ago but I couldn’t get myself
to go through with it since I didn’t feel ready to talk about my time deployed.
I spoke with the psychiatrist for an evaluation today and one thing stuck out to me during our session:

“
Me: I’m too young to be having all of these symptoms and problems with my body.

PE:  It’s okay, it can be worse and you’re not alone when it comes to PTSD.

Me: Yea, I sometimes think am I who to blame for putting myself in this condition? 

PE: There’s no one to blame, it’s just an unfortunate event. If you want to blame the government, at least you’re getting
this treatment free, and they’re paying. If you would like to blame yourself, don’t, because at least you joined an organization
that helped you better yourself, and gave you an experience that most people will never experience. What you are dealing with now was just
a result of a unfortunate event.
“

I appreciated those words, I think I’m in good hands when it comes to fine tuning my brain.
I do enjoyed the memorable good times of the military, and I’ll just take in the bad just like any other thing.
Traveling is especially something I am grateful for; Kyrgyzstan, Afghanistan, Spain, Germany, Ireland, Kuwait just to name a few, are
places that I am positive I would never visit in my civilian time. Maybe, Germany and Ireland but more than likely, no.
I know I’m not alone, for I have friends in my city/town that I actually served with, who I can count on and talk to.
It’s just the whole process of talking about something you never wanted to talk about again. I guess. I’m not quite too sure, yet.
I guess I’ll find out in the next few months, or year.

Here’s to a better health, and a brighter future.

 

Rekindling Old Passions

I have been in denial when it comes to my writing.
A passion that I have swept under the rug because of the fear that people “in real life” would find me.
I want to stand up for myself when I say that “I don’t care what people think” but I realize in today’s day and age, it does matter.
At least, in the social media world aspect of things.
I want to vent about the problems I am facing without the fear of someone I know getting a whiff of my problems and then pitying me, or worse,
having something I said effect my future.
I have tried making past blogs, though, I gave up. Of course, it was all from stupid reasons but I would like to try again.

In all honesty, being honest to myself in writing this post is still quite hard.
On paper, it’s second nature but on keys, it’s public speaking to me.
Unaware if the snicker of thoughts will break me and I just stop writing again, or I persist and keep poking at the embers.
I guess my first problem is that I keep thinking people I know will actually read my post.
I’m guessing my second problem is thinking that people would actually read my post.
I need to remind myself this is for me.
ONLY ME.

I’m nervous, hesitant, anxious but most of all excited.
I have a lot on my chest, and I WILL let it out.
Eventually…

I learned never to empty the well of my writing, but always to stop when there was still something there in the deep part of the well, and let it refill at night from the springs that fed it.”
-Ernest Hemingway